Overcoming Jealousy
Question:
We are all social beings. We need to socialize once in a while with our friends just to get away from the home environment. All our friends are very mature, happy and well to do. They drive better cars, they have better homes, they have better relationships with their kids and family and and most of their kids go to medical schools for MD program which gets the most attention from a social and material success perspective. I try to feel happy for them but once in a while there is a little jealously which enters my mind body. It gives me a little discomfort afterwards that why I get jealous and I should be actually happy for them. I should accept them as my own as we are all one. However this is a reality that jealously does play its role.
In my own little mind, the solution was to ignore all the social gatherings and be isolated to the home so that I never get to feel that negative emotion of jealousy. But this feels as if I am sitting in a theater to watch a movie but I am keeping my eyes closed since I am afraid of getting emotions watching the events in the movie.
How to stay firm with your self while you are among the most successful people around you who seem to have more than you in every respect of material life.
Answer:
Kudos to you for admitting that you feel jealous. Very few people on this planet have that kind of courage….. I salute you. Only courageous people like you can reach really far on the spiritual path in a single lifetime! Now that you have identified a negativity, it is time for change….
Here are a few essential steps on the path of change:
Step 1] Understand the difference between Prabhava, Abhava and Swabhava.
Prabhava means an external influence. This can be of 3 types:
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- People we meet and surround ourselves with, influence us. e.g. being in bad company or being in good company leaves an impression.
- Situations we encourage in our lives, leave an impression on us. e.g. indulging in acts of violence or encouraging spiritual environment leaves its impression.
- Things we indulge in, leave samskaras on us. e.g. alcohol or healthy vegetarian food will each leaves its impression.
This is called Prabhava. Influence from an external source. This Prabhava can be negative or positive. A friend who shows off his material possessions with an intention to evoke jealousy in you is a negative prabhava. A friend who shows you the path of spirituality is a Positive Prabhava.
Abhava means the ‘feeling of lack’ created inside of you because of the Negative Prabhava:
There are 6 main types of Abhava effects with a few examples:
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- PKaama: Desire/Lust – a person/situation/thing might trigger a feeling of lack inside you. And this feeling of lack in turn creates a desire to attain or achieve something.
- Krodha: Anger – a person/situation/thing might trigger a feeling of lack inside you. And this feeling of lack in turn creates Anger.
- Lobha: Greed – a person/situation/thing might trigger a feeling of lack inside you. And this feeling of lack in turn creates Greed to try to fill in the lack.
- Moha: Attachment – a person/situation/thing might trigger a feeling of lack inside you. And this feeling of lack might seem to be filled by another person/situation/thing. That creates attachment.
- Mad: Arrogance/Pride/Ego – a person/situation/thing might trigger a feeling of lack inside you. And your ego might try to suppress this feeling of lack by arrogance/pride.
- Matsar: Jealousy – a person might trigger a feeling of lack inside you. And this feeling of lack in turn creates a desire to get what the other has and that is jealousy.
Swabhava is your own nature. In essence, your nature is ‘Sat chit ananda’.
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- Sat – Truth
- Chit – Consciousness
- Ananda – Joy
This is a little difficult to understand when the mind is in a state of self-accusation but look beyond the mind… look beyond the intellect… look beyond the memory…. look beyond the ego…. look at that silence within which you cannot express in words but experience in your meditation or just when you are in an equanimous calm state. You will realize that you are only pure joy, that is the Truth!
Once you understand how Prabhava had created an Abhava and taken you away from your Swabhava, follow the steps below:
Step 2] Admit to yourself that ‘you are jealous’ and don’t let the mind fool you after that.
We usually fool ourselves and do not admit things as they are. Sometimes we admit, but the mind again fools us and covers it up. Maaya clouds our vision. We get lost in raaga/dvesha and cannot face the reality. Hence we do not get out of the dirt of jealous feelings. For e.g. you look at someone’s big new million dollar home, a burning sensation arises within you. If you do not recognize this fiery feeling, you may tend to criticize, demean, ignore, hate, etc the other person’s new home. If you recognize this feeling immediately as it arises and admit to yourself that you are feeling jealous, then 1/2 the battle to overcome this negativity is already won.
Getting out of this requires courage. It is not easy to face the mirror. You have to be very brave to admit your jealousy. Accepting your jealousy is the first step. Only a sincere seeker who wants to grow spiritually, can have the courage to accept his flaws. Are you sincere? Do you have courage?
Step 3] Understand what is jealousy and remind the mind again and again!
Jealousy means that somewhere deep inside you have a feeling ‘I don’t have enough’. Jealousy sprouts from ‘lack’. This happens only when you do not recognize your true nature. Remember, you are Truth, Consciousness and Joy… forgetfulness of this creates a feeling of ‘Lack’.
Remind the mind, again and again – “You are TRUE JOY! How can there be any lack for you? Get out of this ‘beggar like state’ and recognize, ‘You are the King’! You are Sat, Chit Ananda!”
Step 4] Constant training of Intellect is required. This takes a long time and consistent effort. There is no short cut!
The intellect needs to get established in the Truth of the Self! Right now, it is established in the ‘Untruth of Maaya’. Some training will be necessary to move from Untruth to the Truth. That training can be achieved only through a thorough study of the scriptures. Do not miss the chance of joining any spiritual knowledge sessions that come your way. It is Karma’s way of nudging you towards the Truth. Never ignore it!
Keep walking on the spiritual path! One day you will be victorious over the beast of Matsar – Jealousy! Sukhi Bhava!
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The layout looks great. Kudos
As you say in a lot of your videos, thoughts arise on their own. Is it ok to let the first thought rise and fall without clutching onto the story which mind is ready to tell (from Karma story of this body-mind not being good or blaming it on someone else).. Per my understanding both stories are mind-body story, the Witness doesn’t care.
Yes, you have the answer already, the witness doesn’t care.
Thanks for the question and the beautiful answer. This I am going to print and frame on my wall.
What about jealousy, when wife is cheating and I know it for almost 3 years?
She knows that I know what she is doing…
How to overcome this situation?
The problem is not jealousy in this case, it is much different. Go to the root, the branches are irrelevant.