Let go of the story!
Q: While yoga and Buddha’s path made me feel more calm and secure, I feel it was the mind still finding security and solace in some concept/activity, albeit more socially acceptable.
A: What is the mind? It is simply thoughts+feelings dear. When you do any activity like breathing, yoga, meditation, you are simply calming the thoughts+feelings with a tranquilizer. The effect is definitely short-lived. Most people who are beginners in spirituality resort to these techniques which is a good starting point. At least, the outward focus of the witness moves from the external perceptions inwards towards the thoughts+feelings. Therefore one must never discount this stage of one’s spiritual life just like you cannot say primary school was useless. 🙂
In the next natural stage, the inward focus matures beyond thoughts+feelings towards the witness itself, this is where the first level of Advaita comes in. So the natural maturity has happened to you dear.
Q: Advaita has led me the opposite way, in that more and more I feel that is the truth.
A: It’s not the opposite way, it’s just a deeper dive within.
Q: I was once a friendly, understanding, and active person. Except for a few moments, I can’t find the energy to see this clearly and be free, nor can I follow some other religious, spiritual or material goal. I am scared I am becoming socially unfit or even degenerate (I get this is the ego etc;
A: A part of natural spiritual maturity is the slow death of the ego [witness identifying with the body-mind]. As the focus is moving inwards from the witness to the complete collapse of the witness, a nobody-ness reveals itself. This glimpse of nobody-ness alternates with the previous pattern of the witness-identified-as-body-mind [ego]. The ego cannot tolerate the truth of nobody-ness as it is accompanied by natural dispassion. This creates turmoil. That is exactly what you are experiencing right now dear.
Q: But until I am the pure consciousness moment to moment, I am under the illusion that I am the ego and until I am free it seems useless to talk about what is not.
A: This is the time to talk about it when it is fragile, almost ready to break. No point strengthening the ego dear, it is false. Just like you cannot strengthen a dream once it has started fading away, you cannot hold onto it. It is a natural process of disintegration, let it happen. Secondly, you do not talk about it anyways, talking happens dear, recognize this.
Q: I am calm when I can muster the energy to see this and be through the anger and fear, but this is rare and most of the time I am not ok. I seem to be incapable of either doing Bhakti, Karma or Raja yoga due to a pure lack of aptitude, motivation, or commitment, while I seem to have hit a wall with Gnyana. You are among the last people/things that the mind reaches out to and I feel this is also a search for security.
A: No dear, you are not searching for security here because there is a clear knowing in you that I am YOUR OWN projection. I am here only to help you break out of your illusion of paths. There is NO path to follow in reality. It is a pathless path.
Q: Should I just live through this malaise, fear, and loneliness and see what comes of it?
A: Yes, you do NOT have an option but to go with your own flow, my dear. Though you are spiritually independent, you are not alone, you cannot be!
Q: I can’t seem to help myself nor do I seem ready to receive help at this moment.
A: There is nobody to be helped and nobody who can help. Drop the sob story of the mind. Look at the truth! There is a total nobody-ness there, no persons there at all!
Q: Will this all lead me to social darkness?
A: No dear, the entire dramatic ‘life story’ of the Ego is simply mind-made. See it vanish moment to moment and ignore it! Nothing remains. Everything dissolves moment to moment. Just recognize the dissolution into nothingness. Then let go of the story and hold onto the nothingness! Keep chugging!
Q: I don’t have a choice, do I? Definitely not in the face of such compassion. Every single time. More words would do no justice!
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