Question:

I can not take insults and blame and criticism, I wilt away like a dying flower. Please help me deal with this, a family member does not speak respectfully and this kills me. Please help!

Answer: 

Whenever somebody insults you or somebody praises you, what really happens within you? Let’s look at this in detail:

STEP 1] ROOT CAUSE IDENTIFICATION:

• You have an image of yourself in your own mind and you believe in this image, you believe in the qualities of this image.
• When somebody says something about this image [criticism or praise], the ‘I’ identifies with the blame or criticism.
• This identification creates a pleasant sensation in case of praise or an unpleasant sensation in case of criticism.
• You react to the pleasant sensation with excitement, the graph of your mind goes up. In the opposite scenario, you react with unhappiness to the unpleasant sensation and the graph of your mind goes down.

Recognize that the problem is two-part:

– when the ‘I’ identifies with an image of itself and believes in that image and

– when the ‘I’ reacts to the sensations created by criticism or praise that refer to the image.

The wise one clearly sees that the root cause of the pain was not the criticism or the praise, the root cause of any internal ups and downs in the mind is my identification. The I or the ego identifying with its own image in the mind and identifying with the words that come towards him & reacting.

So what does the wise one now do?

Now that he has identified with the problem, he takes a step back from the ‘I’ [Ego] and learns to rest in that which is ‘beyond the I’.

STEP 2] UPROOTING THE CAUSE:

On Ramana Maharishi’s path, one would look for the source of I.

Where does this I come from, who am I, who is the one who is hurt?

•  When you ask this question, the attention that was outside on the words of the other person or outside on the mind that is feeling hurt, that attention now moves inwards, yes even the mind is external, there is that witnessing that is happening at the back. Move towards that witnessing, turn inwards, and find who is it that knows the suffering in the mind?  

• When you look within you will hit that quiet witnessing, that quiet field of awareness, that background of silence which contains the I, the screen of silence which contains the image of the suffering mind, the silence which contains the entire drama of praise and blame.

The wise one finds his solution. He now learns to rest in that awareness, in that silence again and again and again. Whenever the mind pulls him out into thought of pleasant and unpleasant, he again withdraws from the mind, by asking the question, ‘who am I’ and turns within, again; he rests in the awareness. He rests in that witnessing silent pool that is never touched by blame nor praise.

So now let’s understand, how can just mere shifting of attention from external to the internal solve the problem?

Simply because attention or awareness is like a flame and this flame burns away the mind. Don’t believe me blindly, experiment with your mind, and know for yourself.

• When somebody is talking to you irrespective of whether it is blame or praise give it full attention, hundred percent be aware of the one who is witnessing this scenario and be there, you will still be able to listen to what the person is saying, you will still be in the same scenario but you will have hooked onto something beyond, you will have hooked onto pool of witnessing silence that contains the scenario.
• There the silence of awareness will burn all the hurt, all the blame and it will also burn the praise.
• You will be left with NO-THING!. 

Keep practicing, keep practicing, and get to the source of ‘I’. Always ask yourself ‘Who am I?’ or even better ask yourself, ‘What is this I?’